Please Open Your Eyes and Stop Making Excuses

A conversation worth having is a conversation with your parents before chronic illness starts.

I’m writing this blog out of anger. I’m pleading with baby boomer children, reach out to your parents or loved ones and start taking about what aging means to them.

I’ve launched a business that is struggling not for the lack of business but rather with the caregiver who is burnt out and not willing to receive help. Much like a drowning person who’s in panic mode, they want help, their very life depends on the help. The drowning swimmer is struggling to stay afloat and they feel their strength depleting quickly. I know these people, they start every sentence with “no.”

“No, I tried that once.”

“No, that won’t work for dad.”

“No, mom won’t like that.”

“No, we can’t afford.”

“No, I can handle it.”

Every thing you suggest is shot down with a hard “no” — as if the caregiver is on an island and no one can help them with what’s going on in the home.

The other issue that plagues my business is the client or the family member who’s in full denial. They can’t see the signs of chronic illness and they have no idea what long-term care means because all they can see are their parent’s personality traits. I liken it to being so close to the trees that you can’t see the forest.

What caused my recent anger is that by Wednesday, the third business day in the week, I had received a dozen 60+ minute phone calls from family members who are confused and dazed. They all said something along the lines of, “I want home care, but I’m not sure about next steps because this is how my parent has always been, and there’s nothing we can do. Let’s just wait and see, or maybe start off slow. ”

I have no problem waiting or starting slow when it is required. But in most cases, the loved one has incontinence issues without the proper supplies, is suffering from loneliness due to COVID-19, or has mobility issues and is a huge fall risk. In some cases, the senior has already fallen and yet their adult children are still waiting to bring in help. Then there’s my favorite: the thief of the night, Dementia — either diagnosed or not — is present and the family refuses to talk about the real implications of the disease, which has no cure. No matter what the medical diagnosis is, chronic illness or dementia, the parents are making poor decisions and the adult children see their parent’s personality traits instead of the disease.

The conversation worth having begins with understanding that your parent’s disease is not to be confused with your parent’s personality.

A conversation worth having needs to start with you and your family. If you are noticing signs of decline in your loved one, they are not quite making sense, or their behavior has changed, it’s time to start asking questions.

It’s time to ask yourself if this is your parent’s normal aging process and determine what type of plan do you need in place.

This week alone, I have had three direct conversations with well-educated adults, who have parents still living in their homes and yet are completely unsafe. When I bring these points to the children’s attention these are the excuses I receive:

1. He’s always been this angry.
2. She has always been stubborn.
3. He won’t listen to anyone!
4. I don’t know what medications they are on and I really don’t need to know.
5. I don’t know their doctors. I don’t need to be a Health Proxy. It’s not that time yet.
6. I don’t need a Power of Attorney, they have always handled their finances.

In my head, I reply:

1. So, your parent has always stopped bathing for weeks at a time?
2. So, your loved one has always had incontinence issues?
3. So, your parent has always allowed the pet to use the house as a bathroom and you’ve never pulled the carpet up, swept, or mopped?
4. So, your parent has always hoarded and their house has always had a maze that came straight from a horror movie? And you feel like they’re home is safe to live in?
5. So, you have no idea why there’s a brand new window air-conditioner in the garage even though they have central cooling?

My clients’ list of denial statements can go on and on, and I can go on and on in detail about how their loved ones’ current behavior needs assistance or medical help.

Bottom line, I know it’s hard. I have four sets of parents who are the definition of self-sufficient, stubborn and independent all rolled up in “I don’t need your help.” The youngest is over 70. Naturally, I struggle to have the very same conversations that I’m asking you to have with your parents. But no matter how difficult, the conversation has to been done.

Unchecked medical conditions cost more in time, money, and resources

It’s a matter of respect. No one in a healthy relationship wants to see their parents struggling to live while dying in filth. If don’t have conversations about what long-term care looks like to you and your family, you won’t be prepared for your parents aging journey. With a plan, it will be an interesting rollercoaster ride. You will still have ups and downs, with unexpected thrills, but will also arrive at your destination safely. Without a plan, it will be more like a rollercoaster ride that’s been condemned because it failed inspection 15 years ago. You are gambling on your safe return.

Secondly, not talking about illness, both temporary and chronic, is extremely expensive to the health care system. I’m actually surprised that CMS (Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services) does not have more testing in place to be proactive in diagnosing.

I often use the example of a UTI (Unitary Track Infection) costing ten dollars to treat with an antibiotic for 3-5 days. When left untreated, a UTI presents in seniors as dementia, the senior becomes tired, perhaps shows sign of incontinence, and is usually a high fall risk .

A UTI treated at onset costs $10.

A UTI allowed to progress into a fall, which leads to a hospital admission, costs $25,000 to $300,000 — sometimes more, depending on the length of the patient’s rehab stay and other co-morbidities.

Not only is health insurance hit hard, but it is extremely expensive to the family due to out-of-pocket fees for the care needed once a chronic disease has gone unchecked and/or undiagnosed.

A few of the top ten hospital admission for seniors include dementia, pneumonia, stroke, cardiovascular disease, with loneliness and poor decisions woven into every diagnosis.

If you have questions, ask your parent’s physicians about next steps. There is help. Most states have senior informational websites and support systems. If you need help starting the process, please feel free to call our office. We have tools and can help you with directions to get started on your journey.

What really triggered my anger today is that I saw another obituary for a past client. I’m hoping and praying that this lovely person was not found in their own filth. My last conversation with the family was about how the person needed the next level of care. The family’s response to me was, “That’s her… she’s always been stubborn. She’s just lazy. She doesn’t care about sitting in filth.”

Our parents deserve better. We can do better than this. Let’s start talking and let’s stop allowing caregiver burnout and denials to cloud our judgement.

Stay Inspired,

Shonda